So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
