i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
