Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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