It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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