Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
