I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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