I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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