Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
