Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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