Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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