Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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