New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
