I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
