mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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