I am in a vortex of obligation.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
