btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
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Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize