wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
