I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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