If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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