what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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