i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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