I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
