He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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