You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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