your parents love me but you hate me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
