just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
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I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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