hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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