I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
