I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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