I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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