I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
