I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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