alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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