Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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