This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
