I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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