i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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