i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
