burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵