I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.