my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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