no, he came in my armpit
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
