i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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