I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
