I wish my penis had an off switch
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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