where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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