my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no you cant smoke seaweed
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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