You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
