He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
