I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
