my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She told me I should be a condom model.
This baby is an asshole
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
