I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
