Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
