I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Mom said you looked used
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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