I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
