i permit you to call me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
