If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
