Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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