I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
