Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
