Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
