I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
